My Transition Journal

When you look at transition from a daily perspective, it can be pretty uneventful. Other than the fact that I know I have these pills in my system, the changes are unfelt and unseen. ... But I suppose it's also foolish to think nothing changes daily. Every day I prepare in different ways. For example, as I work my shifts in man mode , I start to imagine what it will be like to work at a different job in girl mode, to someday no longer have to answer to a name that's never connected with me, to someday get to be mostly seen and accepted as female. I have to remember the uneventful, quiet start doesn't mean it will stay that way for long. Sooner, rather than later, this ride is going to get quite a bit more interesting. Boobs and curves and little girly nuances that will place me into a new category. I truly can't wait!

Every day I look for little changes. I flip between excitement and a sense that it's all a little too big. I worry about logistics. For example, I wear a bra at home now because i like it---soon I'll wear it because I need it. That in itself is both exciting and completely uncharted territory. Even though there is some fear that comes with the unknown, the fear is much smaller than the excitement. I finally get to answer questions I've wondered most of my life. Personal and deep seeded questions, things most people wouldn't understand, things most people have never asked themselves once, let alone on a near daily basis. My simplest question has always been one I've avoided most: what if I could live as a woman? Now I've not only started down that path, I'm adjusting to the reality of it daily. I'm still a ways away from presenting as Vaela--my confounding princely chin being one of the main reasons for that. Instead, now is more about the mindset, unders...

It's a funny thing. I'm nearly thirty but I'm now approaching life as if it's just starting, as if I am a ripe and ready to go 18 year old. I had no desire to further my career as a man Instead, taking whatever I found and dealing with it... A good all around metaphor for how I handled living as him: I don't like being this person enough to find anything permanent as him. I think that's what it came down to, even on a subconscious level. I never cared enough to commit to anything. Sadly, I would even be lying if I said I really committed to my marriage. In some part of me I was always convinced that it would eventually end and so I stupidly treated it in that way. Every fight we had I would ultimately think, 'lets just end it now' and then regret it. I've always loved my wife, but I love her in a less strained and more hopeful way now. I can see a future, either for us staying together or at least as close friends who co-parent our children. It's...

Today was a day of new roads. Even though the presence of more estrogen being in my system hasn't currently affected my day to day, I am preparing for when it does, preparing for when I can no longer hide the woman I'm becoming. Today was a day of thinking about my future and actually making a plan toward it. Up until now I've listed through life, moving from job to job with no real plan for where I would ultimately end up. There was a window of about 12 years (from 16 to 28) where I pursued a writing career and convinced myself I could one day soon live off of it. As of today, I've never made more than a couple dollars every three months. There's something strange about transitioning that I didn't fully expect: even though I'm not changing yet, I know changes can start to happen quick. And so I find myself living in this state of preparedness, imagining how to handle these changes in my current job. And instead of just letting the dice fall where they may, ...

Or what I refer to as the "what now period." Pretty much every aspect of my life I've never really fit, so it's funny to actively pursue something that will make me fit in even less. But... at the same time it's almost unavoidable, or it's always been coming, and even though I won't fit in, I already don't fit in. What I'm exchanging is peace of mind and and loving who I am instead of just suffering through life. Currently I don't have a ton to say on the topic right now. I have taken my second dose and I know that over the course of the next few weeks and months, I really will start feeling the changes. Right now it's still surreal. I am going to be a woman! What I will say on the topic is in regards to my love for God, I'm approaching this talking to Him the whole time and no matter how crazy it may sound to some people, I don't feel I'm in opposition to His plan for my life. I have dealt with this since my earliest memory, an...

This is the early hours of 2021. All that is between me and my first permanent steps to becoming Vaela is a night of sleep.  I take my first dose of hrt tomorrow and elation doesn't begin to describe my feelings... The pills have been in my system for a number of hours now. Obviously, there are no physical changes on day one. I would actually be worried if there were. As if one dose of estrogen and one dose of testosterone blockers are suddenly going to give me that womanly figure I've often imagined. No. The change today is simply in knowing the process has started. The factory is up and running, the lights are on, and the new workers are taking their positions. A switch over, from night to day shift, if you will. It's been a very long night, a night that never seemed like it would end. And so many of the workers were tired and burnt out. Today represents a total change. The night shift is done and new day workers have taken their place. These workers are fresh and spry, a...