A Vision for the Future- Day 4 ( January 4th, 2021)

It's a funny thing. I'm nearly thirty but I'm now approaching life as if it's just starting, as if I am a ripe and ready to go 18 year old. I had no desire to further my career as a man Instead, taking whatever I found and dealing with it... A good all around metaphor for how I handled living as him: I don't like being this person enough to find anything permanent as him.

I think that's what it came down to, even on a subconscious level. I never cared enough to commit to anything. Sadly, I would even be lying if I said I really committed to my marriage. In some part of me I was always convinced that it would eventually end and so I stupidly treated it in that way. Every fight we had I would ultimately think, 'lets just end it now' and then regret it. I've always loved my wife, but I love her in a less strained and more hopeful way now. I can see a future, either for us staying together or at least as close friends who co-parent our children.

It's a sad thing that in a lot of ways, this is the most awake I've ever been. Because I now can see a future out there, just up ahead. Whereas before, everything hinged on my writing. My worth. My passion. My hope for a better tomorrow. All of it.

Now it feels like my hope hinges on Christ not letting me go and a clear path pointing to an actual career for me. My hope is in not having to pretend anymore and eventually work in a job as the woman I've always fundamentally been. To truly be authentic and free to find this person instead of keeping her locked away while the terribly edited version of me drags through life with no momentum and no desire beating within to reach for better things.

I have been asleep for years. That's clear to me, now that I'm awake. Asleep and stuck dreaming about finding a life I had passion for again. A dark but realistic image of my life before deciding to transition was this: if Nathan was a building and the lights inside represented life, some unseen person was walking through those long, empty halls, flicking off every switch. And there was very little light left...

As Vaela, I'm a building with possibly too many lights on. The hallways aren't long but intersect with others in quick succession. And the rooms are full. I have ideas and dreams and passions again. In some unseen room, there's a gathering filled with people I still may meet, friends I may yet find, people that will accept and love me for this person entirely.

This is what it is to have a vision for the future. Apparently it's something I've never truly had until now.