The 'What Now?' Period- Day 2 (January 2nd, 2021)

Or what I refer to as the "what now period." Pretty much every aspect of my life I've never really fit, so it's funny to actively pursue something that will make me fit in even less. But... at the same time it's almost unavoidable, or it's always been coming, and even though I won't fit in, I already don't fit in. What I'm exchanging is peace of mind and and loving who I am instead of just suffering through life.

Currently I don't have a ton to say on the topic right now. I have taken my second dose and I know that over the course of the next few weeks and months, I really will start feeling the changes. Right now it's still surreal. I am going to be a woman!

What I will say on the topic is in regards to my love for God, I'm approaching this talking to Him the whole time and no matter how crazy it may sound to some people, I don't feel I'm in opposition to His plan for my life. I have dealt with this since my earliest memory, and we often deal with things that we're later meant to use. So I imagine that there may be a day that I not only release this My Transition Journal but other books that deal with faith in Christ and being a transgender woman, because I am a transgender woman who loves Jesus and it doesn't change. I've seen quite a few books out there that deal with the topic of transgenderism and kind of conquering the world. I've seen very few, if any, that talk about reconciling your faith. I am not transitioning as an act of rebellion against my Creator. In fact, I'm transitioning in hopes that I can find more peace with myself and in turn find a firmer foundation for my relationship with Him. We look at sin through a microscope, if you will, where we will focus on something that we don't agree with but won't look at all of the details around it. So if this is sin, then I am and I remain a sinner but I also am loved by a God of endless love who understands my pain, understands my struggle, and has never taken the struggle away, has never given me a breath of fresh air of what it would feel like to be satisfied with being a man or happy as that person. 

My greatest joy within myself is always when I'm presenting as female, whether it's doing my makeup or getting dressed. There's elation and there's euphoria. I don't know of many other times in my life where I can say I was euphoric... they always came with an ellipsis at the end of them, a sense that something was missing, a sense that if only I was her I could be a lot happier. So... remove from your mind the idea that people only transition as an outward act of rebellion. It is most often an act of self-preservation and self-acceptance and after years of fighting finally accepting that, for whatever reason, this is what you've been given or this is what's been allowed in your life. And even though the road seems very uncertain right now I believe God is still with me on it and I believe that just like Joseph, when he was sold into slavery, he had no idea that he would be used to be a linchpin for Israel's survival. I don't believe that this is for nothing. And I also know that, because I am a transgender woman, and I know that feeling, that I'm not an imposter and I'm not somebody who's going to preach to my community from a pedestal, as if I'm beyond this. I will preach to them as a woman. I will tell my story as a woman. And I will still point to Jesus as a woman.