Traces of Tar- Day 5 (January 5th, 2021)

Every day I look for little changes. I flip between excitement and a sense that it's all a little too big. I worry about logistics. For example, I wear a bra at home now because i like it---soon I'll wear it because I need it. That in itself is both exciting and completely uncharted territory.

Even though there is some fear that comes with the unknown, the fear is much smaller than the excitement. I finally get to answer questions I've wondered most of my life. Personal and deep seeded questions, things most people wouldn't understand, things most people have never asked themselves once, let alone on a near daily basis. My simplest question has always been one I've avoided most: what if I could live as a woman?

Now I've not only started down that path, I'm adjusting to the reality of it daily. I'm still a ways away from presenting as Vaela--my confounding princely chin being one of the main reasons for that. Instead, now is more about the mindset, understanding that even though I've always more fundamentally been a woman, my experiences have happened within the thick tar that is testosterone.

And just as tar tends to do, I continue to find traces of it on me even though i'm no longer exposed to the main source. It will take time and possibly some elbow grease, but eventually the tar will clean away from me. And then I'll finally get to live my authentic life.