My Transition Journal

The uphill climb of transition is very disheartening. I have five o clock shadow; I don't want five o clock shadow. And I found out today that to get rid of it permanently will cost just under $1300 for six sessions. We don't just have this money available, so now the prospect of having to save for it... Well life constantly happens. Trying to save for this amount of money is daunting. And it's not like I have any real help to do it. As it's always been, my wife and I will have to scrape things together to make any kind of end meet.  Many people will view this as cosmetic and unnecessary. These people couldn't possibly view it in the real light it fits in. It would be very similar if a cis woman woke up every morning to find her face was scratchy and not smooth, a shadow in place of what should be clear and soft skin. Finally being able to grow a beard was probably the physical highlight of my time as Nathan. But that faded and I was just as miserable and unfulfille...

Once you conclude you've never been a male, it's easy to look back at all the times in the past to see it with a different clarity. Whether it's the girls you couldn't keep or the groups you didn't belong in, the answers that have always eluded suddenly make so much sense. "So and so didn't like me because she was looking for a male, not just the shell of one." These little revelations make me feel like I was always given a losing deck. And actually finding a wife of the quality and selflessness of mine is truly a gift that can only be given by God. When I was growing up, the idea of living as a woman, though always present somewhere in my mind, something of a pinball always bouncing around, it never seemed like a real step I could take. It was a reality that was maybe playing out in another timeline but not this one. Definitely not this one. I was convinced of my spiritual importance and my position as an odd duck ultimately leading to bigger things. ...

I have officially entered a new phase: the detachment. Today another step was taken. I went to work with my nails painted. I didn't bring attention to it. And neither did anyone else. A second small, but not minuscule, step was walking with my kiddos around our block in girl mode today. Both of these acts require detachment. Detaching from care and letting yourself live above it, knowing that you will be on the receiving end of judgment and possible mockery, expecting it with every possible interraction.  What day will it be when "fag" is yelled from a passing car? It really doesn't matter because eventually it will happen, maybe not exactly as I envision, but some kind of similar offset. It will happen. And I'm as prepared for it as I can be because I am detached from it.  Will it still hurt to hear? Sure. But I've been on the receiving end of words like that many times in my past. It's now not so much taken as an insult as it's a stamp to wear proudl...

Big steps have been taken in the last few days. On my last day of work for the week, I talked to my boss about my transitioning and found out he is 100% in my corner and will defend me against anyone, if it were to come to that, which is an absolute answered prayer. And today I went to Walmart fully dressed, my mouth the only thing not showing because of my face mask. I've learned through my journey so far that enough little steps eventually lead to the places you once felt were unreachable. To think only a couple years ago I was worried how people would view me if I pierced my ears. At that time I had a pretty impressive beard and had my man act down to a T. So, the steps I have taken in the last year have amounted to a lot even though I haven't taken big steps, but instead a lot of little ones. And they have brought me to a place where I am inching closer daily to fully presenting as Vaela everywhere I go. Reaching the end of the road as your assigned at birth gender makes ha...

The trickle down effect has begun. At work 4 people (maybe 5) now know. Before that it was 2. When it was revealed to me today that my 'secret' was out because someone from work saw my female social media page, I didn't panic. Instead I started to prepare for the next steps. This was going to happen eventually. Obviously changing genders chemically, after a while, becomes quite noticeable. If you start to transition without daily preparing to face the music of your reality, you will be blindsided. The moment I took those first pills, I knew I was on a road that would eventually lead here. And knowing that, I have prepared for it daily.  Having said that, it doesn't mean I know exactly what to say or how to respond to the unknowns of this situation. Every person you know, until reality replaces expectation, is immediately an unknown. Most will work out the way you expect. Some will disappoint, and some will surprise in the best ways possible. Trying to prepare for hypoth...

Why do we, as a collective society, find it bold and outgoing for a man to tell a woman what she wants, what she likes, etc... Now you'll find many people who speak against it, men and women alike, but still these are the types of boys/men who are most popular in school and most sought after: the top of the totem pole. Even if a woman is looking for something different, the immediate attraction is to the one who is most typical and masculine. It is sewn into the fabric of society, an unbreakable thread. For the few at the top, they experience all of the cliché things our fathers and other male figures push on us. For the rest of us, you are left somewhere in the middle, criticized for all the faults you have and compared to the top of the totem pole. If, as a man, you try and respect women and show them that we are equal in position and importance, suddenly the question becomes "Why don't you man up? Take charge of her and show her who's boss. Show her why you wear the...