Paving a New Road- Day 246 (September 6th, 2021)

Big steps have been taken in the last few days. On my last day of work for the week, I talked to my boss about my transitioning and found out he is 100% in my corner and will defend me against anyone, if it were to come to that, which is an absolute answered prayer. And today I went to Walmart fully dressed, my mouth the only thing not showing because of my face mask.

I've learned through my journey so far that enough little steps eventually lead to the places you once felt were unreachable. To think only a couple years ago I was worried how people would view me if I pierced my ears. At that time I had a pretty impressive beard and had my man act down to a T. So, the steps I have taken in the last year have amounted to a lot even though I haven't taken big steps, but instead a lot of little ones. And they have brought me to a place where I am inching closer daily to fully presenting as Vaela everywhere I go.

Reaching the end of the road as your assigned at birth gender makes having courage in transition much easier. As I've mentioned in a previous post, the idea of trying to go back to that person is like driving back to a city that has burned (or is burning) to the ground. There is nothing to go back to so you must have the courage to continue into the unknown. You must have the courage to stand out, to be seen as different, illegitimate, and, even, disgusting. 

Born as a male, the expectation is to find your place in the colorless herd, to just blend in. So when someone who is expected to "just blend in" instead lives a life of boldness and color, it is usually met with disapproval. Some in your face and some from afar. But disapproval nonetheless.

A similar struggle exists from the other side of the same coin because you aren't now just universally accepted as female. Your biology is different, so you'll never 'biologically' be a woman. So your color is seen as duller or counterfeit. You can't be a mother because you can't have a child. You can't be a woman because you haven't experienced the daily struggles, both physical and societal, that come with being a woman. You don't get to just have the presentation without the struggle. And because your experience is different, you will always be different. Kind of a lose lose situation honestly...

So, in a lot of ways, transitioning is the act of paving a new road entirely, carving out a gender similar to cis in presentation but different in experience. And hopefully what can eventually be accepted is that your new home is in the field adjacent to the gender you truly should have been born as. This is true of both transmen and transwomen. 


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