The Uphill Climb/No Easy Answer- Day 267 (September 27th, 2021)

The uphill climb of transition is very disheartening. I have five o clock shadow; I don't want five o clock shadow. And I found out today that to get rid of it permanently will cost just under $1300 for six sessions. We don't just have this money available, so now the prospect of having to save for it...

Well life constantly happens. Trying to save for this amount of money is daunting. And it's not like I have any real help to do it. As it's always been, my wife and I will have to scrape things together to make any kind of end meet. 

Many people will view this as cosmetic and unnecessary. These people couldn't possibly view it in the real light it fits in. It would be very similar if a cis woman woke up every morning to find her face was scratchy and not smooth, a shadow in place of what should be clear and soft skin. Finally being able to grow a beard was probably the physical highlight of my time as Nathan. But that faded and I was just as miserable and unfulfilled as always.

This is a truly necessary step for me. One that is unimportant to most but a constant source of dysphoria for me. It clocks me wherever I go and makes my now somewhat thinner, softer face look strange. I'm on this journey for the long, permanent haul. But at the moment it just doesn't seem possible.

Entry #2 on Day 267

No Easy Answer

Most cis people take simply fitting for granted. Trans people live a life of constant wandering, looking for a place to call home, because the bodies we are born in are the farthest things from home.

As a trans woman, I've already witnessed constant misunderstanding about physical presentation. Surgeries are viewed as cosmetic, when in reality they are life saving. When we opt for surgeries, these aren't choices we'd prefer to have to make. Ideally, if all was right with the world, we would have been born with the right system in the first place. Instead we have to manipulate our bodies to closely match what women are already born with. The same concept is true for trans men. 

The last 267 days have been a tearing down of my established residence brick by brick. And I am essentially homeless, now having to piece together and build a place, a life, that better fits me. The foundation has been laid and now the painstaking process of the build has begun.

It is both encouraging and discouraging at the same time, probably something equivalent to how an inmate feels after finally being let out of prison. 

'Though no longer caged and confined, how do I break free from the daily presets that have controlled me for so long?' 

A question that doesn't have an easy answer...


 

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