My Transition Journal

"Just build the house, we'll worry about the foundation later on. There may be problems later on with it but we'll worry about those if that day ever comes..." I don't regret building that house. Mostly every good thing I have today (my gorgeous wife, my three beautiful children) is because I built it... But the problems that were possible then have come to a head now. I got married to my wife when I knew my past had a very real history of crossdressing. I convinced myself it was dead or dying but if I could have been honest with myself then, transition was always a road that existed in my mind. So I built the house with very real cracks existing in the foundation: whether or not I would always be compatible as a male partner. Over the years I have been able to satisfy my wife in the ways she has needed. But now, on day 203 of HRT for me and six weeks since she birthed our little guy, the question of physical compatibility is here again and standing awkwardly in t...

I have been tossed away many times in my life. Since coming out as transgender though, that feeling has taken on a different context. I'm not heartbroken by it. I'm not even all that bothered. As I've stated previously, I was pretty much a dead body still alive and in my head I had already started to check out and let go of everything important to me.  If I had continued the way I was going, I would have taken my life. And I imagine today, and shudder at the thought, that it would have been in some quick, regrettable, messy way. It would have probably come at the end of another damaging marital spat. It would have been a true picture of desperation and not knowing what else to do. It would have been in a way, that, worst of all, my children would later realize was absolutely senseless and pointless and they would always wonder what could have been done differently to keep me with them... This... Transitioning... This is what (could have been and) has been done and I'm b...

I think one of the toughest parts of transition is the unknown. What will you look like as you gradually change? Will you slip into a feminine skin naturally like the lucky ones do? Or will you always resemble the birth gender that doesn't fit? I've reflected a lot on the nature of reflections. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize who is looking back. And though some people would probably argue that it means she is not me, I think a better explanation is this: over the years, I've gotten so used to perfecting the man mask that it has been my only reality. My V sessions (nights of makeup and dressing) were just indulgences, a chance to peak behind the curtain of what-if. And though I always felt happier and more free when I would get a glimpse, it was always just that, a glimpse, a glimpse into someone that, at the time, seemed an impossibility. Now that she has been given the chance to be my everyday reality, I am learning to become familiar with who I...

I have become the catalyst for needed change. And that has made a select people in my circles very uncomfortable. With blood family (except for my mom), I told them who I've always been but they'd rather hold onto a false picture of me instead. With relatively close but still distant family, I have now been asked to not participate when they get together for parties and holidays, all because they can't understand it. I say the change was needed because the time has finally come to reveal what was just below the surface and see what is true of people and what isn't.  Why do I need to waste my time on people who so easily toss me aside? Family or not. Siblings or not. Nobody is exempt and nobody is vital enough in my life for me to apologize to them for my reality. It is MY REALITY. They don't understand it because they don't experience it. It's as simple and uncomplicated as that. I used to feel guilt because I am changing things for those who want it to stay...

  (Originally written on September 19th 2020. Days before my first therapy session. My first therapy session is when I decided that I was going to transition.) I am my father's son, right? That's the expectation. Except, I've never been a typical son. And, he was taken from me when I needed him most. He's been gone longer than I ever knew him. An imaginary eye that's always been watching me from afar. A standard I've held myself too. Some kind of thing where I make him proud and we one day look back on this life like I did good, did him proud. That's all well and good in theory. Continue chasing a shadow that isn't even there. Continue running a race that he never started. He left me to fend for myself, me and my weird, ill-fitting skin, and my awkward identity that I've tripped through most of my life. I'm supposed to find my place in this world. I thought I had it as a writer. That led to nothing and with it the only conceivable reason for why ...

"It'll just take time." Is there a bigger white lie people use than this? Rarely when this little phrase is used does it actually mean time is going to help, because time doesn't actually do anything. Examples include: Grief. Grief will lock you away from the world if you are simply waiting for enough time to pass to be normal again. Family Restoration. Restoration doesn't happen just because time has passed; more often than not time brings further distance.  Pain. Pain doesn't get easier with the passing of time, it simply enters a new realm: memory. And the realm of memory can be worse than the actual event that caused the pain to begin with.  Love. Love doesn't just blossom. Marriages don't just strengthen.  The components missing are effort and choice. My most recent run in with this reality is my transition. Siblings just need time, grandma just needs time, other people fairly close to me just need time... to process, to accept, to wrap their head...

Matthew 19: 11-13 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” I have pondered and prayed about this since reading it last night. I searched online for how this could be addressing the intersex spectrum and of course found a mixed bag. For those it pertains to, it was mostly a message of hope. For those it doesn't, they quickly dismissed it as meaning something else entirely. After all, from their view, why would Jesus care to address us, the deformed? Why would He care about us abominations? What I see when I read this is the Savior saying, "Many will not understand those born intergender and many aren't meant to. But for those who do understand, for those who live in this reality, I wa...

If God knew I was transgender as He formed me in my mother's womb, was it for a purpose beyond toil and pain? Was it to better understand a people I was told are abominations? Or has my whole journey of displacement been nothing but a test? Dad's horrible rage, cancer and death wasn't enough?  I've been fed this narrative that I'm meant for bigger things because I've gone through so many valleys. But, what if the sum of my life is failing this test? God took an innocent little guy who's heart bled for Him, led him into the woods and left him to the vicious wolves of life. He has remained afar for most of it since. And I have had to find my way, bloody and beaten and many times barely alive. And, through all of that, my heart still bleeds for Him. This would make it seem He hasn't been a good Father to me. He has provided and protected and given me many wonderful blessings (my beautiful wife, my two amazing daughters, my new son, and a mom who has worked ...

  (Originally wrote on January 19th, 2019) “DO YOU WANT TO BE A WOMAN?” My wife said she was asking as my best friend, as someone who wants me to be who I am. Would i be happier living as V?  I denied it a few times, and honestly I still don’t know if I do. What I do know is that there are definitely times when I want nothing more than that. It’s not all the time. But it’s frequent enough to make me seriously think about it. “You don’t have to answer now. Just think about it.” She said it not as an ultimatum, so much as a tapering of expectations. If I were to answer yes and begin the process of transitioning, could she be okay essentially being with a woman? (Questions like that.) I’ve been thinking about it all day. Imagining how it would feel and how much everything would change. The very honest answer is I don’t know. If there were a third option and I could be a woman at a flip of a switch and then go back to the man by doing the same thing… well that would be the prefere...