The Unknown- Day 188 (July 7th, 2021)

I think one of the toughest parts of transition is the unknown. What will you look like as you gradually change? Will you slip into a feminine skin naturally like the lucky ones do? Or will you always resemble the birth gender that doesn't fit?

I've reflected a lot on the nature of reflections. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize who is looking back. And though some people would probably argue that it means she is not me, I think a better explanation is this: over the years, I've gotten so used to perfecting the man mask that it has been my only reality. My V sessions (nights of makeup and dressing) were just indulgences, a chance to peak behind the curtain of what-if. And though I always felt happier and more free when I would get a glimpse, it was always just that, a glimpse, a glimpse into someone that, at the time, seemed an impossibility.

Now that she has been given the chance to be my everyday reality, I am learning to become familiar with who I have always been and not the mask I always wore. I suppose this is where the current struggle comes in. Even though small things about me are changing, the first thing I see is still a man.

I have to remind myself often that this is a process and that one day I will look in the mirror and she'll be the first one I see. That day may still be a ways away but it's closer today than it was yesterday. And the same will be true of tomorrow. Transition, ultimately, is thousands of little, sometimes uncertain, steps eventually leading to a destination that at the start seemed unreachable.