4 Years Later: The questions I finally have the answers to

It's been a long while since I've updated this blog. After the first year, I guess I was more interested in living than trying to analyze it so I could blog about it. Why writing a post now makes sense is because so many of the questions I had then now have answers, such as: 

Q: Did I ever grow the boobs I wanted? A: Nope, my inability to gain weight plus the wrong genetic seeds plus a wide sternum led to nothing more than moobs. Fortunately, I was able to get 400cc implants in June of 2023. I love them so... except my left lady has settled poorly and developed a stage 3 capsular contracture, which means it isn't as soft and pushes the nipple to one side, making it slightly uneven. Barring a full Trump ban (God help us all), I will be getting a revision on that one breast sometime in the future. Unfortunately the risks that run with having to get fun bags from a doctor instead of natural ones from HRT.

Q: Did my face feminize? A: Not nearly enough. The HRT softened certain aspects of my face but the overall result still looked princely, which is not what I was going for at all. I had two procedures of Facial Feminization Surgery in 2023. The first was for the upper portion of my face, which included a brow shave, a slight eyebrow lift, hairline lowering and a trach shave. The second surgery was for my chin and jaw, taking my strong mandibles and wide chin and trimming it all down to be much softer and more v like. I am very happy with the results. They aren't perfect because nothing is. But they are close enough for my taste.

Q: What about "you know what"? A: P is permanently in a cave haha I had bottom surgery on September 4th of 2024. As of writing this, I am two days north of 17 weeks post op. The dilation hell you've heard about in regard to dilating has not been nearly as bad as reddit warned me it would be. I am only about two months away from only having to dilate once a day. I am currently dilating twice a day. Immediately after surgery for the first two months, I had to do it three times daily. That was definitely the most time consuming. I now feel so much more complete. As my swelling continues to decrease, I am finally seeing a body that almost matches what I always imagined. I say almost, because there is a caveat simply built into the trans experience. It's as close to the natural womanhood I can reach, and I am so much more at peace. 

Q: Where is my faith at through all of this? A: Despite people's best attempts to drive me away from Jesus, I continue to worship Him in rebellion to what they say. He is my Savior and I will claim Him for the rest of my days. I've stopped flip-flopping between acceptance and shame/guilt. I'm done being made to feel guilty for who I am. And where I am now is that of a much more secure person, firmly set in my beliefs, out to help who I can where I can. 


  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Day Shift Begins- Day 1 (January 1st, 2021)

This is the early hours of 2021. All that is between me and my first permanent steps to becoming Vaela is a night of sleep.  I take my first dose of hrt tomorrow and elation doesn't begin to describe my feelings... The pills have been in my system for a number of hours now. Obviously, there are no physical changes on day one. I would actually be worried if there were. As if one dose of estrogen and one dose of testosterone blockers are suddenly going to give me that womanly figure I've often imagined. No. The change today is simply in knowing the process has started. The factory is up and running, the lights are on, and the new workers are taking their positions. A switch over, from night to day shift, if you will. It's been a very long night, a night that never seemed like it would end. And so many of the workers were tired and burnt out. Today represents a total change. The night shift is done and new day workers have taken their place. These workers are fresh and spry, a...
Read more

"That Trans Problem"- Day 327 (November 25th, 2021)

The life of a trans person is to hide. First to hide yourself from yourself (in my case) for the first 30 years of your life. And then to hide from those who don't understand, don't agree, don't feel comfortable.  Im not a person who likes to create waves. I don't enjoy arguing and stating my points unnecessarily. And I especially don't like being a constant topic of conversation. But I suppose it's what I was signed up for before I was ever born.  To the majority of those who no longer view trans people as people, we are now instead "that trans problem". That unsightly thing to hide, to avoid, to detest... to hate.  Many don't understand and don't put in the effort to even try. They see it as this political thing when in reality it as a human thing. A human thing many have not experienced or will ever have to. Growing up we learned the importance of trying to understand that life is not experienced the same way by all. Just because one experie...
Read more

Leaving Behind the Woods and Wolves- Day 190 (July 10th, 2021)

If God knew I was transgender as He formed me in my mother's womb, was it for a purpose beyond toil and pain? Was it to better understand a people I was told are abominations? Or has my whole journey of displacement been nothing but a test? Dad's horrible rage, cancer and death wasn't enough?  I've been fed this narrative that I'm meant for bigger things because I've gone through so many valleys. But, what if the sum of my life is failing this test? God took an innocent little guy who's heart bled for Him, led him into the woods and left him to the vicious wolves of life. He has remained afar for most of it since. And I have had to find my way, bloody and beaten and many times barely alive. And, through all of that, my heart still bleeds for Him. This would make it seem He hasn't been a good Father to me. He has provided and protected and given me many wonderful blessings (my beautiful wife, my two amazing daughters, my new son, and a mom who has worked ...
Read more