Pressure- Day 208 (July 28th, 2021)

Pressure to stop transitioning can come from the most unexpected places. Mine has been work. Now being a manager and possibly setting myself up to have some kind of growable future, I can't help but want to slink away. Grow back that hard fought beard and look the part of someone who is satisfied with things and has it all together.

When you break this idea down, I wouldn't stop transitioning for any healthy reasons. I would mostly stop to better fit in at my job, meaning my at-home life would drop off as the burden of pretending would wear me down to nothing once again.

There will come a point where I can't pretend anymore and I worry it will drop me from "promising new manager" to "the inexperience has now become problematic". 

Although my company claims to have no discrimination, the kind I worry about is the beneath-the-surface kind, the kind that doesn't come from a company but individual bigotry.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Day Shift Begins- Day 1 (January 1st, 2021)

This is the early hours of 2021. All that is between me and my first permanent steps to becoming Vaela is a night of sleep.  I take my first dose of hrt tomorrow and elation doesn't begin to describe my feelings... The pills have been in my system for a number of hours now. Obviously, there are no physical changes on day one. I would actually be worried if there were. As if one dose of estrogen and one dose of testosterone blockers are suddenly going to give me that womanly figure I've often imagined. No. The change today is simply in knowing the process has started. The factory is up and running, the lights are on, and the new workers are taking their positions. A switch over, from night to day shift, if you will. It's been a very long night, a night that never seemed like it would end. And so many of the workers were tired and burnt out. Today represents a total change. The night shift is done and new day workers have taken their place. These workers are fresh and spry, a
Read more

"That Trans Problem"- Day 327 (November 25th, 2021)

The life of a trans person is to hide. First to hide yourself from yourself (in my case) for the first 30 years of your life. And then to hide from those who don't understand, don't agree, don't feel comfortable.  Im not a person who likes to create waves. I don't enjoy arguing and stating my points unnecessarily. And I especially don't like being a constant topic of conversation. But I suppose it's what I was signed up for before I was ever born.  To the majority of those who no longer view trans people as people, we are now instead "that trans problem". That unsightly thing to hide, to avoid, to detest... to hate.  Many don't understand and don't put in the effort to even try. They see it as this political thing when in reality it as a human thing. A human thing many have not experienced or will ever have to. Growing up we learned the importance of trying to understand that life is not experienced the same way by all. Just because one experie
Read more

Trying to Prepare for Hypotheticals- Day 242 (September 2nd, 2021)

The trickle down effect has begun. At work 4 people (maybe 5) now know. Before that it was 2. When it was revealed to me today that my 'secret' was out because someone from work saw my female social media page, I didn't panic. Instead I started to prepare for the next steps. This was going to happen eventually. Obviously changing genders chemically, after a while, becomes quite noticeable. If you start to transition without daily preparing to face the music of your reality, you will be blindsided. The moment I took those first pills, I knew I was on a road that would eventually lead here. And knowing that, I have prepared for it daily.  Having said that, it doesn't mean I know exactly what to say or how to respond to the unknowns of this situation. Every person you know, until reality replaces expectation, is immediately an unknown. Most will work out the way you expect. Some will disappoint, and some will surprise in the best ways possible. Trying to prepare for hypoth
Read more