The Five Stages of Guilt- Day 130 (May 10th, 2021)

People close to the one transitioning are known to go through the five stages of grief as they let go of the gender they knew. What isn't talked about though are the five stages of guilt that the person transitioning experiences. Now, of course this may be different for some people. There are probably even those who transition who never feel guilt in any way, shape, or form. I suppose I'll make this a less broad statement then: people like me, husbands and fathers who have built a full life as a man...

... They go through guilt. And my five stages are as follows (in no particular or graphable order)

1. My children will have to grow up being seen as weird. They probably will meet people who they want to be friends with but my transitioning will have complicated it. 

2. My wife was happy (ish) with me as a man. And though we fight less now, she also has to say goodbye to the body she loved, the man that she envisioned growing old with, the future that now looks quite a bit different. Old pictures of us sometimes make her sigh and I experience a flood of guilt that makes me immediately think, "I can be that man again." But barring some divine miracle, I really can't, because I've never truly been him.

3. How can I pray to God and thank Him when part of me worries He's tossed me aside? I am still the one who says nightly prayer over my daughters and unborn son. I am still the one teaching them scripture and the importance of cultivating a relationship with Jesus. That doesn't mean there isn't guilt and fear within. Even when I feel peace with the situation, I can't help but feel in some fundamental way I am letting my Savior down.

4. I often live in the future with this transition. My oldest daughter is only six, my youngest daughter three, but I envision when my oldest is much older and it's her wedding day. And all she will think is she wishes her dad could walk her down the aisle instead of her "transmom". Obviously, this is very far away and my hope is it won't be an issue since they will grow up knowing me as their parent and will love me for what I have brought to their lives. 

5. Having a son on the way is terrifying. I hope he won't model after me in this way. I hope he doesn't miss out on having a normal, typical dad. I hope I can help him be a confident strong man, even though I've never been able to be that myself. I hope just my presence, and being his loving, protective parent is enough. But there is definitely guilt that I can't give him 'normal'.

These come in waves and sometimes more than one at a time. All I can do is continue living day to day, trusting the Lord is with me, and still guides my steps, because no one but Him knows what the future holds.

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