17 Years Gone- Day 170 (June 19th, 2021)

Dad, 

17 years today you've been gone. And unlike the years in the past, I'm not living to make you proud anymore. If anything, I am just trying to heal from all the deficiencies I have because of you. Your rage, yes. But also your sickness and death and your inability to pass any real positive lasting qualities down to me.

The son you knew is a complete stranger to me. He was completely unaware of just how hard life would become and how ill-equipped he truly was to handle it. And now I want to introduce the person you never knew but has always been there:

Hey dad,

I want to introduce myself. Whether you realize it or not, you had a daughter all along, Vaela Kay, Kay to honor mom, a woman you never appreciated the way she deserved or had earned from you. I could never show myself to you because you would have been afraid or maybe even disgusted. You needed your boy not to only be your boy but to be strong for the both of you, strong because you weren't near the end, strong because life had been far too hard on you.

Well it's been hard on him too. And he's done fighting to be who you or mom or anyone else envisioned. I kept him alive when you died. I kept him alive when mom found comfort in other places and when your sons were too lost in their own grief to care about his.

My aim is no different from his. We want to reach the lost with the message of the Good News. That hasn't changed and it never will. 


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