Hope for the Future Again- Day 62 (March 3rd, 2021)

This is my final night in my twenties. I will wake up tomorrow a thirty year old. Only in my wildest imaginations at 20 would I think that 30 year old me would actually be doing it: transitioning to female. Now that it's in process, it feels natural. I've punched the clock of Nathan for nearly three decades, living the life everyone else wanted me to live. And the longer I've punched that clock, the harder it's been, the sadder I've become, the darker my outlook has grown. 

If not for this decision to be authentic to myself, this birthday would be a very sad one. It would be something equivalent to finishing an arduous climb, hoping you've finally reached the summit, only to find the climb continues and the mountain is much higher than you ever thought possible.

I've climbed thinking every milestone will be the summit. Marriage. Kids. Turning 30. I thought if I just kept climbing, I'd eventually reach the summit and come to a place of contentment with Nathan. I know now that the day will never come. If you put my puzzle pieces together, the picture would be of a female. Climbing against that has left me exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. 

Instead, I enter this new decade of life with a great deal of excitement. A year ago I wouldn't believe I actually would have hope for the future again.

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