If I return to the Man- Day 46 (February 15th, 2021)

If I return to the man, could I do it differently? Could I embrace all the parts that I've rejected? Could I enjoy the fashion instead of feeling bored by it? Can I be the father my children need? Can I be him? Can I be him without desiring her? Can I be him while still staying present and a better partner than I've been? Or will this resolve pass and I'll be left miserable as before?

The farther into this transition I go, the more hesitance I find. Not because I don't want to experience life as a female but because I'll never truly be a female. I'll have to take estrogen and t blockers for the majority of my life just to keep my body from returning to how it was born. There's no guarantee my marriage will last. There's no guarantee I won't damage my children. If I can live as Nathan and find it not a miserable chore... Shouldn't I?

It's easy to consider but the reality is different... The idea of returning to that place is something like being placed in a boat in the middle of a vast body of water. And though the water is calm, the fact is still that I would be stranded with no land in sight. Even though there are moments of hesitation, my transition is my only source of forward momentum in a life that had fully stalled. So... onward we go, into the unknown. 

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