Lots of Little Things- Day 289 (October 18th, 2021)

Lots of little things have happened since my last entry. And yet I find myself grasping at straws with what to say. I don't really like talking about it daily; it's simply my reality. And though it's easier to look in the mirror now and far easier to shuffle through my wardrobe and find things I'm excited to wear, I also realize the enormous difficulty of this path. 

I am someone who has never fit really any mold. In my Christianity, I wasn't conservative enough. In my personality, I wasn't simple enough. My complexity often has been my greatest disconnect from people. My view of the world, molded mostly by grief early on, has always left me feeling like an alien among earthlings.

It's never been harder for me to write than it is right now. I hate just putting words down on paper to fill the space. There are updates I can give but there is no motivation to give them. I start to analyze something, decide to write on it, and then the factory stops. And suddenly coming up with anything meaningful to say seems an impossibility. 

I think in many ways I view my transition much like when I would write my books. I saw it as a way for me to reach the world (or some small corner of it) with the message of Christ. And though there are a majority of believers who probably believe my relationship with Christ has been voided, I look at my life as a preset destination. I believe Nathan was a car to get me to this part of my life, a way for me to have the incredible children I have, a way for me to know what a true devoted spouse looks like. 


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