The Norm- Day 215 (August 4th, 2021)

Now that school has started for my oldest, she has been exposed to the norm. And the norm is a mom and a dad picking up kids from school. The norm is beards, and baby-beerguts and socially acceptable gender roles.

And sure enough, seeing this norm has made her wish it was the same for her. I believe she misses the idea of it but not the reality, because the reality was a father who was detaching from life, a father who was not present with my children, a husband who could only handle bare minimum effort with my wife; and with that came an atmosphere that was often strife filled, and tense, with fights that got loud and heated and oftentimes were very emotionally damaging. 

My daughter misses the idea of a person she imagines. My reality as her father was far different. I'm not saying I was a particularly bad father. A better explanation is simply I was an overwhelmed father. And being overwhelmed by my dysphoria and battle had drained me of all my best qualities, leaving behind this auto-pilot function instead. 

So, yes, she will still see pictures at times where I looked the part and it will probably make her miss the idea of who I used to be. All I can do is show her that my exterior is changing but my best qualities as her parent are accessible to her for the first time in her life. 

A day will come when she knows the fuller scope of my decision. In the meantime, we are looking into a counselor to help her sort out and work through her feelings. I am trusting The Lord to bring the perfect person across our path. 

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