Internalized Phobias- Day 223 (August 12th, 2021)

In general, internalized phobias are societal brainwashing. It's something where, through constant exposure to preset narratives, you come to fear, dread, or even hate fundamental truths about yourself.

A closeted gay man, for example, may target gay men to attack and assault, all as an overcompensation for how he truly feels. Or, a woman born in a man's body (me for this example) may spend more than two decades fighting and denying while at the same time overcompensating by judging those "not strong enough" to keep fighting. Sadly and frustratingly, most of the years of my life before I turned thirty, I was stuck somewhere between envy and disgust. Disgust that I wasn't strong enough. Disgust that I consistently fell short of my calling. Disgust that I was "one of them"...

Reading it now, I cringe at the terminology I once used without hesitance or once thought was fine or appropriate. I devalued people from a group I have always belonged to. Why? Why was it okay and why did I justify it? Internalized phobia. 

There is a particular narrative that runs through heads as soon as they have conscious memory. For trans women, it usually starts when they are four or five. The narrative in their head very simply says something like, "I like girl things." But at the same time you have people from every direction saying what things boys like. At every holiday, the gifts given are for a boy, the clothes bought are for a boy, the words you speak are for a boy, the way you sit is for a boy, the way you play is for a boy. Every aspect of your daily life not only sets out to write your place; it does so in such a way that anything contrary is unacceptable. An example would be a dad sees his son playing with a Barbie, so he buys him a GI Joe instead. These are acts of correction that creates a powerful hate/displacement from your fundamental self as you grow.

In my case, mine was also further pressured by my Christian upbringing. It wasn't only wrong and a sin, it was the dirtiest kind of sin. It was deplorable, an abomination, and clearly something only the godless would ever choose. I wish the me of today could have spoken to my parents of then and explained to them the reality of who their child was/is. Not their son but their daughter, not Nathan but Vaela, not an abomination but a still precious child in Abba God's eyes.