The BIG Question- Day 182 (July 1st, 2021)

  (Originally wrote on January 19th, 2019)

“DO YOU WANT TO BE A WOMAN?”

My wife said she was asking as my best friend, as someone who wants me to be who I am. Would i be happier living as V?  I denied it a few times, and honestly I still don’t know if I do. What I do know is that there are definitely times when I want nothing more than that. It’s not all the time. But it’s frequent enough to make me seriously think about it.

“You don’t have to answer now. Just think about it.” She said it not as an ultimatum, so much as a tapering of expectations. If I were to answer yes and begin the process of transitioning, could she be okay essentially being with a woman? (Questions like that.)

I’ve been thinking about it all day. Imagining how it would feel and how much everything would change. The very honest answer is I don’t know. If there were a third option and I could be a woman at a flip of a switch and then go back to the man by doing the same thing… well that would be the preference.

Right now V is episodic. I do my makeup, put in my forms, sometimes using a countour kit to make it look like I have the kind of chest dimensions I’ve always imagined V would have. Of course, when the episode is over, she gets taken off and put away again. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay going back to the man default. I can’t help but wonder if it’s comparable to that feeling you get on the way home from vacation: back to the routine you know. It’s familiar, sure, but does that make it better?

Becoming V permanently almost feels like never coming home, like I’d have done that thing everyone proposes when on vacation: let’s stay on vacation forever!

(Update since this post was originally written, sometime in November 2020 I believe)

It's been a few months since I finally answered the BIG question. How my wife and I are handling it are by starting our relationship over in many ways. Because Vaela is still a different enough person from Nathan, we are essentially dating again. There are small moments of passion and attraction but it's still a careful thing. Right now we're more focusing on creating a new bond. She's not attracted to women but she does love me as her soulmate and is willing to try to meet me where I'm at and let our relationship evolve and grow. We're hopeful it can work. 

As for my daughters (ages 5 and 2) I've gradually started incorporating more feminine clothing and some makeup into my daily wardrobe. We haven't fully told them that daddy is going to transition to a woman yet but we're setting the stage for it. What I've found so far is total acceptance from them, my little bright lights. My oldest even wants to wear tops that match the colors of mine. Children show love without condition so effortlessly. It never ceases to amaze me.

When my wife originally asked me that question, I was convinced it could never truly enter the equation. I'm much more excited for the future now that it has!

(Update as of July 3rd, 2021)

I have been on hrt for 182 days. I sometimes can't believe this is my reality. My marriage is stronger than ever, our relationship, though still working through the kinks of a full gender swap, is more fun and genuine and hopeful. 

As for physical changes, my wife commented on how my boobs have started to noticeably grow when I took of my shirt before bed last night. Hearing those words, directed at me, is total and indescribable euphoria.

I also am now a parent to my third and final child. A little miracle of a boy added to our already two wonderful daughters. As of my writing, he is 22 days old. 

My world didn't end because I answered yes to the BIG question. Instead my world has gotten brighter and bigger. It was a question I asked myself many times throughout my life. And though, in hindsight the answer was obvious, it still took me finally answering honestly. Do you want to be a woman? Authentically speaking, I always have been.