Leaving Behind the Woods and Wolves- Day 190 (July 10th, 2021)

If God knew I was transgender as He formed me in my mother's womb, was it for a purpose beyond toil and pain? Was it to better understand a people I was told are abominations? Or has my whole journey of displacement been nothing but a test? Dad's horrible rage, cancer and death wasn't enough? 

I've been fed this narrative that I'm meant for bigger things because I've gone through so many valleys. But, what if the sum of my life is failing this test? God took an innocent little guy who's heart bled for Him, led him into the woods and left him to the vicious wolves of life. He has remained afar for most of it since. And I have had to find my way, bloody and beaten and many times barely alive. And, through all of that, my heart still bleeds for Him.

This would make it seem He hasn't been a good Father to me. He has provided and protected and given me many wonderful blessings (my beautiful wife, my two amazing daughters, my new son, and a mom who has worked tirelessly to love me despite this reality being a devastation to her). So, yes, He has been what He promises. On the surface it's easy to just dismiss and say "Well, if he threw you to the wolves before, why would you keep coming back?" Because He's more than worth it. And because He, in His infinite wisdom, knew that the wolves wouldn't kill me. I understand the why of most of the things I've experienced in my childhood... 

... Except my gender displacement. And this is where I struggle to find my place with Him today. If I was still just toiling on as Nathan, I would fall again and again but at least could be proud of my spiritual resolve, of my spirit to fight. I've stopped fighting, and slunk away from the battle, because...

... battles, if not eventually ended, will kill you. And though I survived the wolves in childhood, they are far more formidable now that the strength I had at the start has run out. My whole life can't just be a fight. Transitioning is me saying to my Father, "Maybe these wolves are still for a greater purpose. But I long for the clearing of a pasture, a blue sky above me, and the woods and the wolves just a bad memory. Will you love me even if I leave this battle? Will you follow me to the clearing?"

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