The Role Biology Plays- Day 179 (June 28th, 2021)

Though in our society we are defined by our biological components, the role biology plays in trans people is a different thing entirely. It's what's supposed to define you to the public but the presentation is false advertising, like a product that was accidentally put in a different box. In this hypothetical example, the box shows a blue and green monster truck but the contents are actually a pink and white Barbie convertible. The box tells people what your contents should be despite them being nothing close to what's actually inside. 

This understanding of self is usually something a trans person knows by early childhood. They don't understand the complicated in-betweens that will come with their reality but they do understand that what people see is not who they are.

As you grow older, though still as simple as the box metaphor says, the in-between becomes incredibly complicated. The biology of man and woman rarely intersects in similarity, so a trans person now has to face not only the reality of their assigned at birth gender but also the expectations that come with it.

The genitals are one of the main in-betweens that take simple concepts and complicates them greatly. The male organ is universally known to be almost a separate being from who its attached to. It can get regular men into trouble; and it can be the greatest source of annoyance and dysphoria for a transgirl. My experience in this regard has been a confusing one, one that often has made me feel like a pervert and a freak. Because I have always been attracted to women and also felt I would better fit as a woman, my years since puberty have revolved heavily around the in-between. Of course my buried female identity had to get wrapped up with my arousal. Anything that made me feel feminine or closer to the girl inside would immediately cause me to respond in the most frustrating way.

It being attached to arousal for so long is one reason why I was convinced this was nothing more than an urge. Only after years of treating it as an urge or even demonic oppression did I decide to dive deeper into the why of it and found a girl that had been waiting inside of my subconscious for years. And I've found that she is not separate from me but holds most of my missing vital pieces. She is me and that simple fact will confound many people. Honestly it still confounds me at times. But the reality of it doesn't change just because I don't fully understand why. 

That's what this journey is about: self discovery and learning who I am now that all expectations of who I should be are starting to fall off.