The First Days of My Life- Day 156 (June 5th, 2021)

In many ways I look at these last 156 days as the first 156 days of my life. I have to, because this is the only way I won't drag the same self defeating behaviors I possessed as Nathan with me on this new journey. And I have too many to count, too many that unraveled the fabric of me almost entirely.

I've alluded to the fact that before I decided to transition my life was starting to fall apart. My marriage, though at the time it was nearing nine years, it was also nearing the end. We were a fight, maybe two fights, away from calling it quits. So even though I can look back at moments in our marriage prior to these last 156 days and find good memories, they aren't what either of us thought they were. There were fundamental holes in the foundation and they only expanded the farther in we got. The last 156 days have been different obviously but also much stronger and connected than before. 

Next, my relationship with Christ. It may seem almost blasphemous to try to move past a seasoned relationship with Christ. To be clear, I want Christ in my today but not with the baggage of my past, not with my lingering disconnect, not with the still sharp pang I feel when I think about how I cried out to him with all the desperation a broken thirteen year old has, only to feel ignored. 

I want to wake up and be excited with the person I am. Not dragging my feet to get ready or dreading the heavy mask I have to wear. I want to explore this fundamental woman in the simplest of ways: not trying to impress others or really turn heads but to just be seen and accepted, to stop trying to fit as a man when the realest parts of me are woman.