When Born in the Wrong Body- Day 154 (June 3rd, 2021)

I've heard this many times: "As long as you're still fighting, the devil hasn't won." Of course this is said by people who fight normal human battles, not people who wake up every day feeling wrong--wrongly made, wrongly designed, and now forced to try and fight to live in the wrong body.

If you will listen, whether someone set in your ways or someone willing to understand a perspective different from your own, let me tell you what it is like to be a trans person daily. 

When born in the wrong body, everything is a reminder of it. The most inescapable is just being around other males. They fit who they are and it looks effortless, whereas for you every step has to be learned and copied, every mannerism has to be practiced until you look normal. So, yes you hit some point in life where you pass as your birth gender but it's all because you've learned how to do it. When you go to the store, you avoid the womens section entirely, because it's where you really want to be. When you play sports, you try to measure up but you always feel inferior, as if you were a kid playing a game against adults. You stand out in your head wherever you go. It doesn't matter if your face is eventually handsome, your beard is eventually thick, your voice is eventually low, your body is eventually muscular... You are always different and you never feel like you measure up.

This is the reality of the fight. It's not just avoid this one place and you'll avoid temptations, it's more like, "avoid all things femine for the rest of your life and you'll"--but no that doesn't even work, because you can still make normal things feminine, like basketball shorts for example. Put both legs in one hole, voila, skirt! So, okay... Try again. "Pray really hard and see it as an addiction and devote every single day to staying clean." You make it through a few days, maybe even a week at a time, but then you fall again and the shame is so heavy and so dirty, you really just want to die. "Keep fighting! Keep holding out! Don't let the devil win!" In the meantime the fighting makes you a worse overall person, makes you meaner, less present, and really exist with one foot already out the eternal door.

So finally that day comes where you are standing at a fork in the road labelled lose/lose. One direction is suicide, a selfish decision that will hurt everyone who loves you and irreperably destroy your children. The other direction is accept who you are, even though it's seen again as selfish and a decision that could irreparably damage your children. And looking at those two roads, both seem to fork away from the Savior you have dedicated your heart to.

"As long as you keep fighting the devil hasn't won." Well all I can say is either the devil has won (never) or God has a different plan for my life, one that few are able to accept, let alone comprehend. 


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