In the Pursuit of Authenticity- Day 129 (May 9th, 2021)

I don't really know what it feels like to be at home in my body. Even now, there are many times I feel like nothing but a fraud. Even though Vaela is a much more real side of me, she doesn't come without complications. It's not like I get to flip a switch and just now be a real female. Instead, I have to daily shed practiced and learned male layers until, hopefully, hrt eventually makes me look far more like a woman than a man. 

The complication of transitioning comes in an almost impossible to define package. In the pursuit of authenticity, I feel like I'm seen as less authentic to almost everyone else but myself. This is almost always in the back of my mind. So even though my smiles are wider and flow out of me with a certain ease that wasn't there before, I feel I'm seen as just another one of those men who are ruining traditional manhood for those it comes so naturally to. Those gun toting, hunting, skilled with their hands, gruff and rugged types that think my reality as a transwoman is somehow threatening how they get to be as men.

I suppose I've worked so hard to just blend in as a man, that standing out as a transwoman is an alien concept to me. In many ways, the idea of stepping outside fully dressed is like being completely naked emotionally. And though I do have thick skin and will take that next big step sooner rather than later, it is not something I have really experienced before. New things, though freeing, can also be quite scary. A very obvious statement, I know, but also exactly how I feel as of now.