Guilt- Day 70 (March 11th, 2021)

Guilt has been my reality lately. Guilt that I can't be the person my children need without transitioning, guilt that my son won't have a typical father, guilt that as a man I'm barely alive. Yes, it would be so much easier to not transition and to stay the person that blends in, the typical man who looks the part but feels very little of it. I could stay him or go back to that person but without a divine miracle where I actually fit the man, I will be just as miserable, just as irritable, just as hopeless. 

It's like I'm in a car driving away from a city that's on fire. All of what's ahead is uncertain and scary but turning around isn't an option. The only way this transition would stop is if God Himself gave me the keys back to my assigned at birth gender, only if I would finally fit in such a way that no part of me longs to live life as a female.

I know that this isn't ideal for everyone involved. If that is the profound conclusion someone who disagrees would hope to share with me, just know I'm aware. Transitioning isn't going to be perfect or easy. It may hurt my loved ones more than it helps. But what it does is alleviate the relentless, bone crushing pressure I had on me for the majority of my life, and it gives me the chance to be who my wife and children need me to be. 

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