A Combustible Thing- Day 41 (February 10th, 2021)

Faith being introduced so strongly in childhood can be a combustible thing. You can get so caught up in what it's supposed to feel like to love God when His presence is in abundance, that when the desert comes you're left lost and reeling. And though He makes Himself real and known to you again, the desert is what you most remember, because it was in the desert where you had to find other ways to survive. It was in the desert where you called for Him but only heard the wind.

Now I've had a few people try to argue that God never left me. And I believe that's true. He never left. But He did stay quiet when I needed His voice most. And this was in stark contrast to a childhood where He was in my every moment, forced by my parents and cultivated in a way that, unintentionally or not, served to make me seem more spiritually important than I was. All of this set me up to struggle later on in life, because it made my relationship with God an unrealistic and lifted thing. It was too simple a fix in the beginning and has now left me unable to reach the level I once had.

My faith in Christ has never faltered but it has become more complicated through the years. Life has effectively broken many of my pieces off of me. And Vaela has proven to be the only effective glue to put those pieces back on.

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