Seeing Her First- Day 118 (April 28th, 2021)

 I now understand what it feels like to both feel pretty and frumpy at the same time. A goodwill princess brand dress, frilled shoulders, a lower cut front. Cute on the rack. And even cute on most of my body. But the full package... Well, a man with very small boobs and a still clear man face is wearing it best they can. 

I wonder if I'll ever hit the point where even unflattering dresses still look like they are on a woman's frame. Or will I have to always be very selective in my choices so I can pass as much as possible?

It's still early in this process. Obviously I understand that. I guess my greatest fear right now is being left stranded in the middle. And instead of looking like an average man, I ultimately just resemble some lady-man hybrid.

Transitioning is a leap of faith, because the only way to truly know how you'll look and feel as your authentic gender requires you to shed the current one like old skin. And with much of these changes, they aren't reversible. Breasts, for example, once they begin to develop, the tissue that is now there is permanent unless surgically removed. Knowing that, I just want to develop enough to be satisfied enough with my body. Not for others to see, but for me to see and feel and inhabit.

A successful transition would simply be this: looking in the mirror and seeing her first, seeing that girl that I'm primarily made up of, instead of the man that I've been caged in all of these years.