Quality Over Quantity- Day 102 (April 12th, 2021)

Being born in the wrong body is much like being born deformed. Though you may not be ugly or even bad looking, all you see in the mirror is what you wish you weren't. Ugly is in the eye of the beholder. And when you are a woman who has to wake up everyday as a man, it's debilitating and devastating. Sure, there are moments where you can make the best of it. You can even convince yourself that you can make it through life this way.

What I learned watching my dad slowly die across three years was that quantity isn't much if it isn't quality. So yes, you can make it through. I "made it through" 29 full years of life, but I wasn't happy or fulfilled or at peace. 

I'm now going to play "believer's advocate" and rebuttle arguments i'm sure I'll hear. "Well, we aren't called to be happy, we are called to suffer for Christ, to daily take up our cross and walk." Firstly, when I say happy, I mean some level of contentment. I am not disillusioned to believe I will ever find lasting happiness in this life. I'm simply searching for quality in my life, to not be a mean, bitter, at-the-edge-of-sanity parent or spouse, to not pretend to be a Christian that has it all together but instead is very transparent about a daily struggle that I'm done daily struggling with.

When someone takes their life, people often say, "I wish they would have reached out for help." Transitioning is exactly that for me. Instead of taking a terrible way out and punching the clock on this life, I'm doing everything I can to stay around and finally experience life as quality and not just quantity, not just making it through. 

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