My Reality- Day 40 (February 9th, 2021)

I'm not only tired of fighting to be a man, I'm tired of settling for just enough. I'm tired of settling for sad smiles when I could have the happy kind. I'm tired of trying to like the way I look instead of loving my look, my style, my personality on display. I'm tired of trying to earn my worth... with my family... with friends... and, hardest of all, with my God. If I'm an abomination to Him, then I was born an abomination.

I believe every story is different. And just as some trans people are divinely given the keys back to their assigned at birth gender and are able to find it fits when it didn't before, there are plenty of us that never have that happen. And we are left to find God, not in the words of others, but in a genuine relationship with Him. Many will say I've fallen. If anything, I've only now revealed what my struggle has been... Even when they thought I was on the straight and narrow, this has been my reality. My most real secret place.   

If my whole life was designed to be a struggle, I'm pulling the cord on my chute. I don't want the free fall of this life as its been. I want the happy moments to actually be happy for me, not bogged down or with weights attached. I want whatever control I can have. And that mostly lies in the quiet moments, finding peace with myself instead of torment.

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