Sad in a Normal Way- Day 9 (January 9th, 2021)

It's hard to know what's my dysphoria and what's the hrt. My emotions today weren't overwhelming but like a steady, somber song. Something that may someday bring me to tears but currently sits just beneath the surface, a theme song for my current state of mind.

Am I sad? I don't really know. I'm more just in thought, more wishing I had a better idea how everything is going to turn out. Not just how I'll look or how I'll feel, but what the day to day of that will be.

Will my relationship with Christ take on new depth? As I go through this new change, will I come to find Him easier than before? Or will the controversial nature of my life's direction keep me at a considerable distance? Will there always be some part of me that can't approach Him because I don't know who or how I can be with Him?

Yes. Today was a sadder day. Not a day void of hope--the hope is still brighter than it's been in years. It was sad in a normal way, in the way I imagine more emotionally healthy people experience sadness. I know it may be sad again tomorrow or it may be a brighter day. Really, since starting this transition, even the sad days are different than they used to be. They're dark clouds with the chance of sun always not far behind. That was never true of my sadness before starting hrt.

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