My Hypothetical Themed Mind- Day 8 (January 8th ,2021)

Men go bald. And if I was actually at peace with being a man, I would embrace it for what it is. I'd grow my beard out in full and turn into the skid. But instead I feel this very real sense of devastation. It's just another thing that points to my dysphoria and displacement within myself. Men usually go bald as they get older, women don't--at least not at 30. Research shows that most likely HRT will help thicken my thinner hair again, so...

So... today I still feel hopeful for the future but I'm definitely also struggling to see who Vaela wil be at this present moment. Yes, it's only been eight days and I know that this is all a process. But I also can't help the irrational fear that hrt just won't do anything for me. In my mind, one that can go to the wildest hypotheticals, I imagine my body being this stubborn thing, this boring shell dead set on remaining male despite the real me being so far removed from that. While all of my trans sisters take similar doses and feel effects within a few days, I'll be left walking on a path only to find its a big circle. And months from now, after unsuccessfully seeing changes, my hair continues to thin and my features remain that of a man's and I'm left in this prison. Left as a man I don't want to be and unable to look or live as the woman I more fundamentally am.

Of course this is just a strange place for my hypothetical themed mind to set the stage. All I know is this: it would be a nightmare for me. I don't need to see changes just yet as long as I know that sooner rather than later changes will come.

I can deal with thinning hair if I know eventually the estrogen brings it back to a fuller state. I can continue to live with a flat chest and a male form if I know that soon my chest will develop and my male form will feminize. If I have assurance that things will change, I can continue to wait through this dry period.

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