Envisioning Better- Day 22 (January 22nd, 2021)

Time to delve into the past a bit, to dig on ground that I'm tired of digging but probably won't ever truly stop.

I think about when dad was sick and how every day I was learning what it meant to be prepared for the worst. When at school, every time the phone would ring in my classroom, I prepared for my name to be called and for a voice on the other end to tell me that dad had died. When with friends, I prepared to be given the news suddenly and to their shock. It didn't happen either way. He died on June 19th of 2004 on our old blue couch, weighing ninety pounds and barely a skeleton anymore. He died and I left to see a movie (still a regret I carry..for. it being Garfield live action doesn't help either). I couldn't be there to see his body be removed, to try and act strong or okay or like I knew how to navigate the dark new residence I had been dropped off at.

I dig and dig at times, finding I've only moved more dirt. Rarely do I find new revelations. The only concrete thing I've taken from my past is this: it is the origin for my emotional patterns. For example, preparing for the worst to happen from years 10 to 13 still sees me preparing for the worst to happen even today. Not daily but when something bad happens, I brace for the very worst.

Except, as I switch over to Vaela, I find myself prepared for bad things but envisioning better. It's a small difference in detail but feels monumental. Time will ultimately tell.