Still Packing for the Trip- Day 21 (January 21st, 2021)

Three weeks today and all changes so far have been equivalent to me still packing for the trip. Yes, I'm technically walking this road already but not in any palpable way. And that's okay. It's simply good to know that my improved mental state isn't the hormones but instead my renewed sense of hope. It means that my transition isn't a drug that will wear off. It isn't being used as a quick fix and so isn't an unhealthy decision.

There are times I play devil's advocate in my mind, imagining what coworkers and other people would say. And though I don't know for sure, I imagine they'd possibly be open but definitely confused. And as I tend to do, I provide answers for hypothetical scenarios that may never happen.

Honestly I hate having to provide answers to people who really don't play important roles in my life. I get along fine with my coworkers but if I died tomorrow, none would attend my funeral. None are friends. None know me as anything other than a sometimes overly optimistic delivery driver. They haven't asked and don't deserve to know such a vital part of me.

Becoming Vaela has been a lifelong journey of walking in dark forest with little bits of light cutting through the top. It's been lonely and disorienting and there were many times I wanted to lay down, close my eyes and never open them again. Very few people know my story and very few people close to me deserve to know more than the mask I present. Let's be honest, people don't like real. They like presentations and costumes and those carefully tailored personalities we show.

If I can help it, I'll leave my current job before they know anything about the true woman that's beneath the man mask I wear.

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