A Journey of Acceptance- Day 14 (January 14th, 2021)

Every day is another step on a journey of acceptance. Accepting that, for whatever reason, this is me. Accepting that everything could work out for me as a man and I still wouldn't be happy. Even if I became an accomplished author, if my previous moniker was who I had to remain as, he would ultimately be revealed as a fraud. Sure, you can see a lot of my struggle with my gender in my works but not in a truly transparent way. Instead metaphor is used and certain characters represent the side I always had to hide, sometimes on a spiritual level and sometimes on an emotional one.

There remains with me a lot of questions. And I imagine few will be answered in my lifetime. I hope to someday stand in paradise, taking a tour led by my dad, finally being shown how it all fits.

Even though I have come out to quite a few people, the most persistent and gnawing questions are my own.

1. Could this possibly be in God's plan? My current answer: We see many instances in the bible where God uses unorthodox methods to reach His people, one in particular being Hosea's divine instruction to marry a harlot to act as a sign to Israel that God is and always will be faithful to his unfaithful people. What if in a similar way I was made to walk this road, to understand the pain and plight of the LGBTQ community? I am not on the outside, pointing fingers in judgment. I was raised that way for the most part and have had to reassess and open my heart to a people I never wanted to be a part of... While at the same time, a people I've always been a part of. I've always been a trans woman in the fundamental parts of me. Always. It's only very recently that I finally accepted that fact.

2. Am I still saved? My current answer: All I know is my greatest desire is to someday lay breathless in worship at the feet of my Savior. My heart longs for Him. When I hear His Name, I feel pangs in my chest. I want nothing more than for my life to exalt Him. Could that still be possible now, even as a woman? He looks at the heart and my heart is to point people to Him, to point my community to Him, to tell everyone that will listen that our worth hasn't been forfeited and He loves us still.

3. Is godliness what we think it is? My current answer: Many people in the church are walking definitions of hypocrisy. They have perfected the subtle nose-in-the-air type of holiness, so quick to point to the wrongness of others while turning a blind eye to their own. Pharisees are in the church in droves, as spiritually dangerous as ever. They push the elite mindset, the type of "godliness" that says, "You aren't chosen. You aren't up to par. You and your dirt, your filth. He wants nothing to do with it! It sickens Him!"

Everything you need to know about Christ and His heart is on full display when we revisit the cross. Even as people spit on him, beat him, mocked him, ripped the flesh from His body, forced him to carry the tree that he would be nailed to... He still said, "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."

What if Godliness is messy and found in broken people who still love their Lord? Not the people who have it all together, but those that struggle and live a transparent life? Maybe my godliness can still be fully seen, maybe even brighter than before, because people need to know our Savior is a Savior of the broken, the dirty, the "too far gone".

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