My Transition Journal

In general, internalized phobias are societal brainwashing. It's something where, through constant exposure to preset narratives, you come to fear, dread, or even hate fundamental truths about yourself. A closeted gay man, for example, may target gay men to attack and assault, all as an overcompensation for how he truly feels. Or, a woman born in a man's body (me for this example) may spend more than two decades fighting and denying while at the same time overcompensating by judging those "not strong enough" to keep fighting. Sadly and frustratingly, most of the years of my life before I turned thirty, I was stuck somewhere between envy and disgust. Disgust that I wasn't strong enough. Disgust that I consistently fell short of my calling. Disgust that I was "one of them"... Reading it now, I cringe at the terminology I once used without hesitance or once thought was fine or appropriate. I devalued people from a group I have always belonged to. Why? Why w...

As is true of most cases, I only listen to someone's wisdom on a topic if they have firsthand experience with it. I carry this same principle over especially when it comes to what has been my lifelong struggle. People can so flippantly disregard an issue when it doesn't affect them. I hope to help cultivate a Christian outlook that seeks to listen first and talk later, an outlook where people first pray before speaking, an outlook where The Holy Spirit's leading is valued over our basic understanding. Not enough people care to see someone for what lies below the surface, what has colored in the details of life, and what has ultimately led to the road they now walk on. Instead all of life is viewed through this strict and small perspective by those within the faith. Though God is unknowable, and incomprehensible, and vast beyond description, people so often speak for Him in such small and contained ways. Who are we, as mere creation, to say what disqualifies entrance to the ...

Now that school has started for my oldest, she has been exposed to the norm. And the norm is a mom and a dad picking up kids from school. The norm is beards, and baby-beerguts and socially acceptable gender roles. And sure enough, seeing this norm has made her wish it was the same for her. I believe she misses the idea of it but not the reality, because the reality was a father who was detaching from life, a father who was not present with my children, a husband who could only handle bare minimum effort with my wife; and with that came an atmosphere that was often strife filled, and tense, with fights that got loud and heated and oftentimes were very emotionally damaging.  My daughter misses the idea of a person she imagines. My reality as her father was far different. I'm not saying I was a particularly bad father. A better explanation is simply I was an overwhelmed father. And being overwhelmed by my dysphoria and battle had drained me of all my best qualities, leaving behind thi...

Not long enough ago, I was of the opinion that parents who let their kids explore gender, etc... were not fulfilling the role of a parent. For a parent is to steer and set boundaries. I wish I had the understanding I have now back then. I believe it is still true that a parent is supposed to steer and set boundaries, but if the steering is in complete opposition to a fundamental reality of the child, it will only lead to what I am now experiencing: transitioning later in life, now with a wife and three kids. Possibly blowing up a built life because the fight was killing me. I believe there is still a way to let your child find who they are while keeping them within certain boundaries. If transgenderism (even crossdressing) wasn't considered such a dirty, freak thing by so many, especially those in the Christian community, a child who feels they were born in the wrong body should be allowed a safe space to explore that.  I wonder what my memory of my childhood would be if I had been...

Pressure to stop transitioning can come from the most unexpected places. Mine has been work. Now being a manager and possibly setting myself up to have some kind of growable future, I can't help but want to slink away. Grow back that hard fought beard and look the part of someone who is satisfied with things and has it all together. When you break this idea down, I wouldn't stop transitioning for any healthy reasons. I would mostly stop to better fit in at my job, meaning my at-home life would drop off as the burden of pretending would wear me down to nothing once again. There will come a point where I can't pretend anymore and I worry it will drop me from "promising new manager" to "the inexperience has now become problematic".  Although my company claims to have no discrimination, the kind I worry about is the beneath-the-surface kind, the kind that doesn't come from a company but individual bigotry.

My trans friend was attacked last night, attacked for no reason other than being who she is. It sickens me, infuriates me, and hurts me deeply.  For so long I have wanted to meet people like me so that I could see that I still have value even as I step away from the gender I was born in and maybe even find people who love me for me. My hope was (and still remains) that the majority of people will shrug off my decision and realize ultimately I am still the same person as before, now just happier, and fuller, and more complete. And by making a good trans friend, I was hopeful that we could be support for each other on this long and arduous journey. The reality instead is far sadder. People like me seem to have no value in this world. And we are all in it together but also entirely alone at the same time. Despite the support different people offer or the solidarity that is talked about, when you are in a park by yourself, none of it matters. Suddenly you are a smear on the window, som...